Category: Heart Matters


opinion.

I find it exceedingly annoying when groupmates aren’t exerting any bit of effort into the proejct. I hope one of those groupmates of mine realize what’s at stake here. I consider myself fairly tolerant of many things, but pretend incompetence is not one of those. There are limits to what we can and cannot do; I know the feeling of being incompetent in some aspects, so don’t go saying you’ve got an IQ of 10 or 50 or whatever, because you wouldn’t have reached fourth year college if that is so. And no, copying assignments from classmates is not good enough an answer.

I’m so sick and so tired of having to try to motivate you and other people to at least participate in the project. I’m not a genius with an IQ of 200 who can complete a group project by myself. I’m merely an average student struggling to get decent grades. And unlike some people I know, we’re not so wealthy that I can afford to drop some subjects, only to take it during the summer. You’ve never worried on whether your parents have the funds to send you to school or not. Or wishing that you can help with the finances by working part-time someplace. You’ve never had relatives who look down on you, thinking they’re way better than you just because they’re well-to-do. And thus I exert as much effort as I can in my academics, just to prove to myself and to everyone else that money is the only way to get through everything. And I’m sure you’ve never experienced crying because of almost-failing grades. By the way you speak of yourself, I got the impression that nobody in your family expects you to get high grades. So why don’t you try to excel in your academics? As I always tell you–prove to everyone (and to yourself, as well) that you can do better than what people think you can do. It doesn’t hurt to try, you know. You don’t lose anything, but you can gain a lot when you do well in school. Don’t settle for passing marks when you can pass the subject with flying colors. And group project means it’s a group effort. It’s never done by only one person. If you want to fail, then go ahead—just don’t bring other people down in the pit with you. And don’t you dare tell me the  ‘go ahead and let me fail’ crap. I’ve had enough of that from you and other people.

I don’t care if you’ll take my message as an insult, I’m just stating the facts and what I honestly think of it. For once in your life, reflect on what I’m saying and respond accordingly. I’m not your family that I can tell you what you can and cannot do, but as a concerned classmate and friend, I’m giving you a challenge so that you can improve yourself.

Being away from home for a mere…what, twenty four hours has left me positively disoriented or something. I brought a load of stuff for me to do while I’m away, and yet I failed to complete whatever I needed to do. Not that I don’t appreciate the break, but soon after returning home, I am most definitely feeling the school pressure once again. I’ve left the responsibility of leading the group in Planning to someone else, but I can’t seem to get the work to be done out of my head. It’s like… worrying for something that’s not my task. Old habits die hard, don’t they? T_T

But the break from all the school stress was good, I suppose. Although I couldn’t sit still and slack off last night, there were moments wherein I felt like I was some sort of a princess (oh please, never in my wildest dreams had I imagined myself to be one, except this morning), with someone catering to what I needed my mom thought I needed. It was never that way at home, but I don’t feel very comfortable with someone hovering about, taking care of things I can do by myself. But what I find very interesting was that, no matter how people may view the current situation, I’m glad to have mom with me yesterday. Initially planning to have her drop me off at MC Home Depot, she suggested taking me someplace else and inviting me to stay overnight at her house. She mentioned going to MC Home Depot at Fort Bonifacio, but we ended up going at Ortigas Home Depot. I admit, without her yesterday I wouldn’t have acquired several swatches I needed for Interior. She chatted with the store people while I freely looked around. Something I wouldn’t be able to do had I been alone. But of course, mom didn’t leave the stores without giving the people hopes that I’d order their products. I even had to leave my contact details to one store, but my mom gave out her number instead of mine. I know the story’s quite… well, unimportant, but I’d seen through mom’s acts that she’s still very much concerned with what we do.

And I feel like I’m mommy’s little princess once again. My mom would often bring me to malls or someplace to shop (thus my shopaholic tendencies), buying me clothes, shoes… just whatever she thinks is cute. Oh my, just remembering all the clothes she’s purchased… I’d say her taste in fashion definitely was imparted to me. XD But I didn’t like everything she saw pretty—I developed my own taste in that. I’d often select stuff that were simple and casual, whilst mom would choose what’s “in” during those days. But what I liked back then that I don’t like very much today… it’s make-up. I tell you, I can’t stand the stuff on my face. Except during performances and parties. Those are the only times I tolerate that thing. XD And for two decades (ack, am I really that old? XD), I still haven’t learned the basics to applying those stuff. haha. And I can’t believe my mom still remembers I designed (note: past tense) clothes. I’d like to design a few outfits, but I don’t think I have as much leisure time as I want nowadays. Anyway, mom had a few clothing sewn by her cousin, and now she’s telling me to design anything I want, because her cousin is a good dressmaker and can sew anything I want. XD Now that’s some good news… I’d been looking for a seamstress to sew a few costumes for conventions (even though I’m not sure I can pull off wearing those costumes). lol.

Well, there goes my ranting entry for the day. I feel a whole lot better, now that I’ve gotten that off my silly, preoccupied mind. I can finally get back to working on numerous projects I need to finish by Friday. x_x I am so dead if I can’t finish Interior by Friday night. Oh right, there’s also the BT5 plate we (our class) promised our professor to finish by 8am. I think I’d better get started now. XD

hugs and kisses.

After having met with some acquaintances yesterday, I still feel unsettled with them around. All of a sudden I feel like I really don’t belong with the group. Yes, the people were nice and funny, but deep down I feel hesitant to mingle with them. There was no one to talk to… at least someone I’m close to. There are so many of them I know and who know me, but I don’t think there was someone whom I can call a true friend, save for those whom I’ve known way before. So far there are only two people from that group whom I consider as friends, not just acquaintances. I rarely get to talk to them (even online), but when we do get to converse, we can talk about all sorts of stuff without having to feel embarrassed because we feel the same away about the issue. Sadly, the two of them weren’t around yesterday, thus I didn’t feel as excited as I normally would when meeting up with friends. But the gathering was okay, really. I just felt… a bit of an outsider last night. If I hadn’t met up with high school friends earlier yesterday, I might’ve sat in a corner and not talk to anyone at all. Hanging out with Frances, Erika, Regine (whom I haven’t seen in…years), and Rayzel lifted my spirits (so to speak) enough to at least tolerate the awkwardness I felt during the gathering. XD No offense to the people I’ve met last night, but I don’t think I can connect well with them…at least in terms of the topics for conversation. There were just so much I couldn’t relate to.

It’s so good to have friends, especially when you don’t meet, talk, or hangout for several months. You don’t have to be afraid to lose them, because you know they won’t abandon you. Different personalities and cultures may affect friendship, but I don’t think that should be the only bases for calling someone a ‘friend.’ It’s amazing how God has blessed me with such great friends, whom I’ve known since… what, grade school? I don’t know why, but despite our very different interests, we are still friends after all these years. I feel like…I never left high school. We converse like the last time we talked was a few hours ago, but in reality we haven’t seen each other for years. I most assuredly enjoy every moment I spend with my friends, and I don’t think I’ve seen any serious disagreements. No, most certainly not. XD

As I’ve considered myself to be a spontaneous type of person, I really don’t know why I want to say this, but I just want to… XD For the friends whom I’ve known for years, thank you for being there for me, for taking the initiative to invite me to hang out someplace even though you haven’t really planned exactly what to do, for bearing with my…er… odd behaviors, for remaining as you are. (ack, I’m really not good at this kind of stuff XD) I love you~! *mwahugs*

我的心情

There are simply too many things that I’ve come to reflect on today.

Life is too short to spend it on useless things. I know, it’s a common thought, but then I’ve been contemplating about life as I watched Huan Huan Ai. Just when you thought you’ve gone through all the obstacles of life, death threatens to take you away. When you’ve already decided what you really want in life, your happiness is cut short by a traitor disease. What then should you do? Would you pretend that nothing is wrong, and act like you’re all healthy? Would you entrust your loved one to someone else, someone you think will make them happy? Would you intentionally hurt all the people you love, so that all they’ll feel for you is anger and hatred, so that they won’t feel pain when you die? Would someone remember you long after you’re gone? Would you keep yourself isolated and alone, away from the love of your friends and family? Those notions I’ve picked up throughout the series. Quite silly, but people believe them nevertheless.

I might believe them as well, if I were in the same situation as them. Sometimes we feel like we have no choice in a matter, and we must come to terms with what is given to us. We may want to refuse, but given the very limited options, we might as well appreciate whatever sacrifice people would do. We can just hope that everything would go smoothly, and that we’ll achieve what we really want in life.

It’s such a shame, really, when people who only see life as something invaluable, when there are people struggling to live, to exhaust their resources to make sure someone they love is safe and healthy. Life isn’t a plaything; and should anyone say that when you’ve lost everything—wealth, love, job, family, or friend, life is meaningless. I think life is meaningless only when you’ve given up all hope in living. Death isn’t the answer to end all problems. Whatever you leave behind will follow your family, it’ll only bring them grief, not comfort.

The concept that is very real to me is that, the fear you hold inside you must be confronted. Same goes for whatever feeling you have. The feelings you have should be confronted in one way or another. I’ve realized that when I watch überly-dramatic shows wherein I would really cry, it was a way of confronting the feelings I have in me. I keep so many things bottled up inside me, but I never bothered to cry. If I did, I would do it when I’m alone, isolated from the people I know. I grew up a learning to be independent, without asking help from people except when necessary. I was overly introvert, not wanting to associate much with people unless they were close friends. But I feel so different now. I realized that crying, no matter how embarassing, can really make one feel better. Not about themselves, but about their problems. It’s only when you cry, even for a little while, that you can really sit and think of everything that’s happened to you. And then you decide what to do about your life after the storm has passed.

I feel so different now that I’m in college. I’m not exactly the introvert that I was before, well, maybe I still am, but not as much as before. And I’ve taken school much seriously than high school (not that I wasn’t serious back then). I’ve learned that if you want something, you’ll have to strive hard to get it. The effort you put in something really makes a difference. If you don’t exert effort on something, you won’t feel that bad when you get a really low score. But when you’ve given it all you’ve got, you’ll feel the satisfaction that you’ve really accomplished something. You might not get the top position in class, but at least you’ve done your best in school the way you know how, without having to cheat yourself.

I, personally, don’t think I’m good at anything. I may be a jack-of-all-trades and master-of-none, but I’m quite satisfied with what I have. There are, of course, things I want in life, but then most of them I can live without. I’ve survived nineteen-almost-twenty years without those things I want, I can certainly continue living without it. What I can’t imagine living without are my family and friends. Friends—the friends I have are the type that, even though you don’t communicate often, you still remain as friends. You may not know what they want or do no want, but you can talk to them whenever you want. I may have a limited number of really close friends, but I feel happy knowing that the friends I have are loyal. And I really thank them so much for the friendship we’ve shared. There are still many things I wish to say, but I can’t remember what they are as of right now.

disappointments.

My cousin sent me a text message earlier, which made me reflect a bit on my situation.

“The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long…”

It’s a wonder, really, why I received the text message on a time such as now. A few days ago, I decided to give up on someone, but as I read the message, I’m now having second thoughts. Why did I hold on to these feelings for so long? The only answer I could think of was that unless that someone outright refuses me, like giving me a valid and definite answer, I would continue to hope.

I remember the motto of Rainie Yang’s character in Why Why Love (Huan Huan Ai), that she wouldn’t hope on anything because if might only bring her disappointment. There’s some correctness in that point. But disappointment is part of life, one can’t please everybody. And so on certain occasions, you’ll end up disappointing someone.

And I have been disappointed in someone once. I’ve accepted that disappointment already. But I would still like to hope that he’ll return my feelings. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Then, until that time that he disappoints me once more, I’ll hold on to what I have. After that, maybe I can finally let go and accept what cannot be.

today’s insight.

It’s quite odd, that when you’re asked to define your “ideal” person, you give descriptions of the person you’re interested in, like that person is already your “ideal” person? I’m not sure if that principle is the same with other people, but that’s what I’ve realized about myself. One time, when asked to define my “ideal” guy, I listed down the things I liked about him. It was then that I realized that the things I’ve seen in him were the things I’ve always wanted in a guy. I may be rationalizing that time, but I can’t shake off the idea that he could be my “ideal” guy. I say “ideal” because our professor has mentioned that there’s really no ideal person that exists. That could be true, because the things we list as characteristics of our “ideal” person are just standards. And these standards we tend to forget once we’ve met someone we like. We try to overlook the shortcomings of the person, and unconsciously make the person’s attitudes or description as part of our “ideals.

conversations.

I got to talk to him through YM a few hours ago. I was, of course, ecstatic… but then there’s still the feeling in me that he really has no intention of giving me the answer I want. Maybe because there’s already someone in his heart, and that isn’t me. The avatar he had, as he mentioned, read as “I don’t want to look, I want someone to find me.” He said that a friend wanted him to use it for a week, and I don’t even want to know the why’s and who’s of that topic.

But anyway, talking to him, getting to know how his work was and his life was pretty much fine to me. At least he even talked to me for a bit. I’m a bit satisfied for that. Maybe next time (hopefully) I can gather my courage to ask him about more personal questions and topics. Just maybe.

twisted.

Each time I tell myself to forget, I can’t help but remember all the things I’ve experienced when I was with him. When I hear his name being spoken, deep down I wish someone would tell that there’s still hope. But I have no hope at the moment. All I can do is to wait. Perhaps concentrate on my studies. And wait again.

One friend asked, if I were to choose between someone who likes me but I don’t feel particularly interested in, and the one I like but does not return my feelings, who would I choose and why? I gave him the first thought that came to mind. I chose the latter one. I’d feel more awkward if I were to lead someone on than if I were to carry one-sided love. I also told him that I’d probably wait for the one I like to give a response, preferably the one I want. Then my friend replied, how long will I wait for his response? I merely answered, perhaps until my feelings for him remain. If my feelings for him has gone before he has given me a response, it was time to move on. But until then, I can’t do anything but wait.

I find it quite a burden, as well, to pretend you know nothing of a person’s feelings for you, when every word and action of that person clearly states what he feels. I am not well-versed with courtships or anything, but having read tons of romance novels give you quite an idea how men act around women they’re interested in. And certainly, one person is doing just that to me. Well, not outright courtship, of course, but something similar. I would want to give them the direct cut, but it so happens that he’s friends with a friend of mine. They certainly move in the same circle, which I try to avoid as of recently. And so I try to be natural without giving him false hopes. But I’m getting tired of it. I would not wish to destroy the friendship, but I don’t think I can go on forever this way. I just hope someone I can escape this predicament without having to outright reject the person. Not that I don’t believe a person can learn to like someone, but as of the moment I can’t imagine returning that person’s feelings. Not when I’m interested with someone else. Someone who’s far away.

Okay. Awful things have occurred this past week. First, my mom got angry because I wouldn’t attend the “shop blessing” in Bulacan. I was a bit surprised shocked by her reaction. I didn’t expect she was would go emotional on me that night. My sister had informed her that I would be going with them, but I never gave a hint that I wanted to. Knowing that an “overnight” was more like a over-weekend, I opted to stay home and do some assignments. The helper went with my sister and brothers to Bulacan, leaving me and dad practically home alone. I didn’t mind having no dinner prepared for me or for dad during the weekend, since I’m pretty much satisfied with anything edible that is NOT vegetable. As always, weekends without my younger siblings around is a blessing. No noisy kids running around the house. It was completely peaceful. Plus, I didn’t have to share the bed with anyone. haha. Anyway, the only problem I had was really the bad reaction my mom expressed. I momentarily felt guilty, since I bailed out on her several times already, but I had assignments to accomplish. I’m slowly becoming grade-conscious. My competitiveness is showing little by little. >.<

The next awful thing was totally unexpected. I learned from my youngest brother that our sister was leaving home moving out. I never knew she would really have the guts to do that. My brother explained that our dad got mad because all three (my sister and two younger siblings) didn’t even bother to ask our dad’s permission to stay over at mom’s place during the weekend. Now I’m beginning to feel relieved that I didn’t go, otherwise dad would’ve kicked me out of the house as well. >.< I merely assumed that when my sister stayed overnight at her DLSU blockmates’ place, she was just going for a visit. The situation was totally an out-of-the-blue thing. I wonder how long she’ll last? My older brother had never “officially” moved out of the house, despite the fact that he lives in a condo with his so-called friend. But my sister?? -_-;;

Next on the list is the fact that I fell asleep during Design class this morning. Not that it’s very, very weird, but there was the embarassing fact that a classmate seemed to have tried making a conversation with me, but I was asleep. My classmate even commented that I slept with my mouth open. Aghast! It was such a horrible and embarassing comment that I wanted to hit my head on the concrete wall. Of all people who had seen me sleeping the way I was, it had to be *that* person! I just wish *that* person would never bring up that topic with anyone, whether I’m around or not. I had not realized I was already sleeping until *that* person attempted at making a conversation with me. It was quite humiliating, I say! Grrr~ If *that* person says as much as mentioning how I slept earlier, I just might slap *that* person, friend or not.

I already feel so sleepy. I’m not in any mood to try sketching schematic plans for Design. @_@

i get so weak…

I am NOT yet over him. Not completely. No matter how many times I tell myself that I can and I will move on, I can’t do it. I’ve thought of him occasionally, but every time I do, I find myself wishing he would return. Even just for a short vacation. No communication for several months is making me a bit worried that he’s overexerting himself in work, like he did when he was still in the country. I can’t get him off my mind once I start thinking of him. And I’m recalling the lyrics of the song Weak by SWV. -_-;;

Whenever I see that picture of him and a girl I think is the one he likes, for some reason I feel hurt. I cannot exactly explain how that feels, but I know for a fact that it hurts. I now admit that I miss him. Life before and after I met him seem to be very different that I cannot imagine how my life would’ve been if I hadn’t met him.

He never told me how he felt about me, nor do I have any clue about it. He never dropped any hints of liking me, but there was surely friendship between us. I’m still waiting if he would give a response to me after the last time we talked, even though it hurts to continue doing it. I just hope when he does make a response, it’s not too late like the previous messy “relationship.”